Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Silent Conversations

I am a conversation waiting to happen.  
Or conversations (plural).  
Many of them disguised as internal turmoil.
The ways of my youth more deeply ingrained than I imagined.
At any one time an image will appear and the conversation I want to have,
(that can't seem to master the trek it requires),
refuses to escape my lips and produce actual sound.
Swallows me whole.

I found this today written on several little post it notes, in my handwriting.  The problem is, I do not know if I wrote it or if I read it and wrote it down because it resonated with me so deeply.  It is not beyond me to write something that so profoundly depicts my internal state of being at times, but I do not want to take credit for it just in case I am not the original owner. I thought I would share it either way as I believe I am not the only one who has traversed the bridge that growing up silent requires.

Worth noting:  I have recently found the voice to the conversations I have in my mind and it has been liberating on a level that I could never have fathomed.  There is freedom in speech. Now I am finally able to connect the dots.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Change Your Mantra

Dear Renee,

After a long night of contemplation and troubled sleep, you have awakened to the realization that it is time for you to change your mantra.  Your old habits, patterns and messages no longer serve you.  You are currently in a cycle of endings.  Every aspect of your life right now is drawing to a close.  The fear of it all is terrifying, we know.  It is this fear and these thoughts that have kept you vacillating and in a state of unrest.  A prisoner of sorts in a prison of your own making.

It is time for you to change your mantra. It is time to embrace your awakening, rebirth and the unknown.  It is time for you to relinquish your safety zones of familiarity.  You cannot grow into the person you are meant to be if you choose to remain still.  Your new mantra needs to embody the love of self, deservedness, power, capability, truth, authenticity and belief in all that you are, because you are all of that and more.

You can do this.  You will do this. 

It is time to change your  mantra to one that will reflect the beauty waiting to unfold before you.  Embrace the ending of this chapter with an all-knowing purpose.  Tighten your seat belt on this roller coaster ride.  Surrender and stop fighting your way to it.

We won't let you fall.  We are here to love and guide you through it.  Trust.

With Grace and Gratitude, always.

In Light and Love,
Your Angels

Friday, May 3, 2013

This time...

This time I will get it right
I tell myself
Been there
done that
This time will be different
It has to be
How else will I be able to
learn and grow
and own
this path that I am on
This time I will heed the valuable lessons
I have learned
Allow them to seep into my being
planting seeds of renewal
This time I will stand in my truth
and applaud my courage
and ability to leap
into the unknown
This time and always
I will come from a state of
grace and gratitude
letting those emotions prevail over
the vice that clenches my heart
This time was the last time
This time..... I am getting it right.

                 ~RenĂ©e Monique

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Winds of Change

I believe the windy conditions outside today are symbolic of the winds of change blowing deep within my spirit and soul.  I have been sitting on the cusp of taking a leap of Faith and trusting, or staying frozen in fear, for quite some time now.  Even the thought of taking a leap of Faith has riddled me with angst.  How can I let go of the false security that I have surrounded myself with?  Who would catch me?  I have envisioned myself high up in a tree, standing out on a branch ready to take the leap and my feet are frozen in place.  I seek and search for the courage and strength to fly, but fear engulfs my being.  It steals my voice, my worth, my hopes, my dreams and my belief in possibilities.   Fear has paralyzed me pretty much my whole existence, but only in the past year or so have I become aware enough to understand and challenge it.  Standing in our Truth and being honest are paramount to our existence.  I believe this is the hardest, and one of the most valuable lessons I am learning.  Throughout my life I have placed blame for my actions, justified them, avoided the truth, created a false front for the world to see, all in order to live within the fantasy of my mind and have momentary highs within my being. All of this is out of a need to feel wanted, loved and whole.  It is very scary when you start to do the work of coming home to one's self and realizing, not only have I hurt myself, but other people, in order to try and fill the void within my heart and soul.  I have lied. I have loved.  I have lost.  I have created.  I have blamed. I have not lived an authentic life and for that I am sorry.  I apologize to myself, the universe and all that I have encountered along my journey who fell prey to my unhealthy ways.  It is scary when I look in the mirror and come face to face with my wrongs.  It would be very easy right now to try and interject and portray the goodness of me and the hugeness of my heart, but that is not in dispute.  What I am trying to do is dig into my place of shame, look at it, share it, and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to recognize it, stand in it, own it, figure out how to forgive myself, and start the healing process.  I was searching for quotes about Truth the other day and I came across this one by Kurt Cobain.  It said... "Pretending to be someone you are not is a waste of the person you are."  I had to really think about that and ingest it into the depths of my soul.  I have spent my life pretending to be someone that I am not because the real me felt unworthy and not good enough.  No more.  I am ready to stand in my Truth and my power.  Having a voice and speaking one's Truth can be a very scary thing.  I know this and have lived it.  What I am learning though is that it does not have to be.  Anything that is done from a place of love, and with the right intention, is what matters.  We have to let go of the attachment to outcome, stay present in the moment, Trust, and know that we are not alone.  I have never been a fan of the wind, but today as I sit upon this cusp of awareness, I welcome its movement and apparent freedom, blowing as it may....spreading seeds of change within my being.