Thursday, May 2, 2013
Winds of Change
I believe the windy conditions outside today are symbolic of the winds of change blowing deep within my spirit and soul. I have been sitting on the cusp of taking a leap of Faith and trusting, or staying frozen in fear, for quite some time now. Even the thought of taking a leap of Faith has riddled me with angst. How can I let go of the false security that I have surrounded myself with? Who would catch me? I have envisioned myself high up in a tree, standing out on a branch ready to take the leap and my feet are frozen in place. I seek and search for the courage and strength to fly, but fear engulfs my being. It steals my voice, my worth, my hopes, my dreams and my belief in possibilities. Fear has paralyzed me pretty much my whole existence, but only in the past year or so have I become aware enough to understand and challenge it. Standing in our Truth and being honest are paramount to our existence. I believe this is the hardest, and one of the most valuable lessons I am learning. Throughout my life I have placed blame for my actions, justified them, avoided the truth, created a false front for the world to see, all in order to live within the fantasy of my mind and have momentary highs within my being. All of this is out of a need to feel wanted, loved and whole. It is very scary when you start to do the work of coming home to one's self and realizing, not only have I hurt myself, but other people, in order to try and fill the void within my heart and soul. I have lied. I have loved. I have lost. I have created. I have blamed. I have not lived an authentic life and for that I am sorry. I apologize to myself, the universe and all that I have encountered along my journey who fell prey to my unhealthy ways. It is scary when I look in the mirror and come face to face with my wrongs. It would be very easy right now to try and interject and portray the goodness of me and the hugeness of my heart, but that is not in dispute. What I am trying to do is dig into my place of shame, look at it, share it, and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to recognize it, stand in it, own it, figure out how to forgive myself, and start the healing process. I was searching for quotes about Truth the other day and I came across this one by Kurt Cobain. It said... "Pretending to be someone you are not is a waste of the person you are." I had to really think about that and ingest it into the depths of my soul. I have spent my life pretending to be someone that I am not because the real me felt unworthy and not good enough. No more. I am ready to stand in my Truth and my power. Having a voice and speaking one's Truth can be a very scary thing. I know this and have lived it. What I am learning though is that it does not have to be. Anything that is done from a place of love, and with the right intention, is what matters. We have to let go of the attachment to outcome, stay present in the moment, Trust, and know that we are not alone. I have never been a fan of the wind, but today as I sit upon this cusp of awareness, I welcome its movement and apparent freedom, blowing as it may....spreading seeds of change within my being.